The Price Our Kids Pay

Our children will take on our unresolved crap in order to continue to have a relationship with us.  This is something that is pretty easy to see in other, really screwed up families.  Like the way that children of addicts will humor their parent's narcissism so that they can stay close.  It's harder to see in ourselves.

Several years ago, I had a broken heart for a period of months.  I was so deeply hurt and broken, and I know this produced a heavy burden for my children.  I look back and see how they buoyed me up and took on some of my weighty pain.  I adore my children, but this is not right.  My kids shouldn't have to shoulder my crap.

I remember praying so earnestly that I could be healed, and not stay broken; and even more earnestly that my pain and guilt wouldn't fall so hard on my children.  I prayed for them to be shielded from my pain, my burdens, and my mistakes.  My faith in the atonement leads me to believe that there is relief for them.

I learned to acknowledge it in appropriate ways with my children:  "Emerson, I'm sorry I got upset with you.  I was being selfish and could only think about what I wanted.  I was too wrapped up in taking care of me, and what you needed was bugging me.  That's not OK.  You are precious to me.  Can we try again?  I promise to listen to you and hear what you need."

The longer term outcome from this experience is that I'm much more conscious that my troubles, trials, burdens, and imperfections are indeed "leaky".  My garbage spills out regardless of how well I think I have it covered up and contained.  So I don't fool myself into thinking I can hide it from my family.  Things like:

• Selfishness
• Jealousy
• Deceit
• Resentment
• Boredom
• Addiction

I know many of us are already constantly beating ourselves up, and this message seems like yet another stone in the huge pile that buries us.  The good news is that our goodness will spill over too:

• Generosity
• Love
• Kindness
• Creativity
• Encouragement
• Patience
• Honesty